tabula rasa

So it's been a rough couple of weeks... especially hard dealing without my laptop. Turns out the hard drive failed... it's so corrupted it can't even be recognised and the data transferred out. Well it's back now, time to slowly rebuild my photos and mp3 collections. If you have something you think I would appreciate keeping, do send it along :)

For someone who's a compulsive hoarder, I sure didn't prepare for THIS. I should have seen it coming (and backed up all my stuff), cos the laptop was operating increasingly slowly, and it was making these weird little process-y noises. Plus this isn't the first time it's happened. But each time I know a little bit of stuff is lost that I won't ever be able to recover.

I think the laptop bears considerable parallels with my life in these 2 weeks...

In any case, thank God I wasn't working on any important papers at the time ... or for his comfort and guidance. Pastor talked about the importance of recognising His discipline in our lives last Sunday, and I'm thinking perhaps recent events have been reflective of that. Not trying to be fatalistic or anything, the message really spoke to me through my cloud of self-pity and whatnot. God has really been very very good. He's been quietly providing sustenance while i yelled berations in my heart, batted blame around, and agonised over decisions.

During this time I've come to realise
a) how stupid one can be: ask me about this one

b) the value of friends: not fair-weather friends, not friends who tell you one thing then turn around and leave you high and dry, but those who genuinely care for you, enough to tell you when they think what you're doing is wrong. friends who listen with understanding, without judging. friends who have been keeping me busy, so I haven't had time to dwell upon sad matters much.

One friend pointed out that I have changed a lot in my 2 years here. Right out I can say I've definitely become more spontaneous, and I have a heck-care attitude towards a lot more things nowadays (though I think that's a coping mechanism to avoid my brain from imploding from all the microworrying). I've also become more open to trying new things, and my notions of what is proper or right have been challenged and broadened. At the same time in some areas I've become increasingly dissatisfied, or less and less sure of what I want, and things have happened to make me more cynical than ever of the human race.

But yeah life is such. At this point in time it isn't exactly hot, but I believe God brought me here, and He'll bring me out. For now I should keep the faith and 'float along'... Or as another friend suggested, it's more than ever important to 'live strong' =P

To all my darlings, in your own little ways, you've all shown that you care, and that has kept me going. My heartfelt gratitude to each of you.... you know who you are.